Monday, February 16, 2009

Things I am CONVINCED of:

1. Rachel Ray is trying to take over the world. She is the new "Martha," only we like her 'cause she isn't a bitch. This should scare you. She's sneaky and unassuming, but I'm CONVINCED her plans are "World Domination FTW!" (More on this later once I compile my evidence.)

2. Action movies were invented for people like me. What runs through my mind, you ask? Basically it goes like this: "Wow! Look at that guy! He has lots of money, and cool secret-y responsibilities. How awesome would it be to BE that guy?! AND he gets to BLOW THINGS up?! I coul-- oh, wait. That looks dangerous. I better just watch the movie." All this happens in the span of 10 minutes and then I watch the rest of the movie contentedly.

I can live vicariously through the MEN who get to do all these cool things and don't have to risk an anxiety attack by doing them myself. Its funny that I want to be the men in these movies and not the women. This should in no way be considered a dig at men for the advantages they get in life. I'm sure men make better secret agents than women anyways.

3. Keith Olbermann will one day piss Bill O'Reilly off enough that Bill comes over to the MSNBC set where "Countdown" is filmed and shoots Keith in the face during the "Worst Person in the World" segment. It will be a sad day, but not wholly unexpected.

4. In the next 5 years, FIVE YEARS people, the Snuggie will cause a cultural devolution in western society. You may be tempted to say, "this is just a silly FAD." Oh no, the amount of Facebook flair implies otherwise.

There is something fundamentally WRONG with a person when they think it is okay to walk around outside of their bedroom wearing a Snuggie. I respectfully submit to the young man wearing the sage green Snuggie while loitering in the lobby of my dorm, that he seek help from a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL.

5. My parents should not marry each other ever again. Period. Maybe the rest are debatable, but not this.

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